Nutrition through the ages

It's 1953! What's for lunch in the school cafeteria?

• Creamed spinach
  
• Creamed chipped beef
  
• Creamed toast
  
• Chocolate cake
  
• Radioactive milk
  

Lies men tell

From the Icebox:

• That's never happened to me before.
• She's like a sister to me.
• Honestly, I feel completely comfortable around homosexuals.
• Yes, I wrote it down.
• No, I won't forget.
• I would have been there, but an old friend stopped in (the car wouldn't start/my mother called/aliens abducted me).
• That's the best-looking outfit you've tried on so far.
• My roomate's girlfriend must have left it here.
• You've gained weight? I didn't even notice.
• I'm not sensitive about my bald spot. I just like hats.
• I only buy it for the articles.

Overheard in the Lobby

Bear Stearns shareholders demands higher sales price after discovering stamp collection under bed.

Best places to search for Easter eggs

From the Icebox—The Best Places to Search for Easter Eggs:

• In Mommy's medicine cabinet.


• Inside that box of magazines that the neighbor's gardener keeps hidden in the shed.


• In the third vial from the left in Room 231 of the CDC's downtown testing facility.


• Under a chicken.


• 'Neath the tree with the thrice-forked branch where the goblins keep all the children whose parents don't want them anymore.


• In Daddy's gun rack.


• In the display case with Aunt Luba's antique Ukranian egg collection. (Have fun finding out which eggs have your chocolate inside!)


• Under Boo Radley's porch.


• Under the pillow in Grandma's casket.

Care and maintenance of your new Slither-Tech (TM) snakepit

Congratulations! With your purchase of a Slither-Tech (TM) product, you have joined the ranks of satisfied backyard pit-masters everywhere. Model 3673, “The Death Hole,” is guaranteed to resist cracking, staining, and collapse for up to five years, provided you maintain it properly. With regular cleaning and maintenance, your new snakepit will enhance your backyard and provide lasting enjoyment for the whole family.

Stocking and Maintaining the Pit
Your pit will be stocked during installation by qualified Slither-Technicians. Stock levels are carefully calibrated to be self-sustaining; you should not need to either add or remove snakes from your pit. Food should be introduced to the pit every two weeks in the summer, and once monthly during the winter. If your pit's snake population fluctuates widely, you are probably either under- or over-feeding. Ask your neighbors if they are missing any cats or small children.

Cleaning and Repairing the Pit
Your Slither-Tech snakepit should only be cleaned by a fully-trained and certified Slither-Technician. In the event of pit malfunction, please contact your nearest authorized Slither-Tech service provider. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REPAIR THE PIT YOURSELF. It contains no user-serviceable parts.

Foreign Objects in Pit
Once installed, your Slither-Tech 3600 series snakepit is a finely-balanced, fully-functioning ecosystem. Do not throw captured secret agents, neighborhood bullies, or other foreign objects into the pit. Doing so may void your warranty. Foreign objects may be indicated by either excessive noise (screaming, barking) or a foul odor.

Decorative rocks and plants my be added around the pit rim; see the catalog for ordering information

We offer the following genuine Slither-Tech accessories for purchase via mail order:

Pointy stick
8'--$19.99
10'--$29.99
15' - $39.99

Anti-venom kits*
3600A (Cobra)--$849.99
3600B (North American Pit Viper) $632.99
3600X (Black Mamba) - $969.99
3600S (Southern Hemisphere Vibrant Color Mix) - $1243.99
*Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery

Overheard in the Lobby

Dalai Lama threatens to quit over Tibet protests; Pope considers sympathy strike.

Lesser-known miracles of St. Patrick

• Drove ice weasels out of Norway.
  
• Always had exact change.
  
• Made the lame to walk, or at least roll downhill while he kicked them.
  
• Transcribed lyrics to Louie, Louie.
  
• Turned water into whisky and water.
  
• Survived 37 separate leprechaun attacks.
  
• Made this one face that always totally cracked everyone up.
  
• Smelled like graham crackers.
  
• Explained tripartite god with a straight face.
  
• Could juggle.
  

Who Are Clients 1-8?

The naming of ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer as "Client 9" in a prostitution ring bust has left news junkies puzzling over the identity of the remaining, unnamed clients. Who are the most likely suspects?

Click chart to enlarge

DIY Forum: Installing your new home solar heating system

A Toad a la Mode Home Improvement Guide, from the Icebox:

Step One: Procure slightly more than 1 (one) solar mass hydrogen (approximately 2.2x1027 tons) (important safety note: DO NOT exceed 50 solar masses, as a Type I Supernova could result).

Step Two: Wait for gravity to compress the gas to an appropriate density for atomic fusion. This may take several million years, so have a back-up heating system in place meanwhile. We suggest a wood-burning stove. (You will also need to revert to this system on cloudy days, so don't dismantle it once your solar heating unit is up and running.)

NOTE: When fusion ignition occurs, you solar heating unit will begin off-gassing approximately 5-25% of its mass in gas and particulate matter over a 10-million-year period. Work in a well-ventilated area, and always wear a face mask.

Step Three: When quiescent thermonuclear fusion of your solar heating device has been achieved (core temperature of 20 million degrees Absolute), be sure to place the unit at least 8 light-minutes (93,000,000 miles, or 1 a.u.) from your home, to avoid overheating.

Your home solar heating unit should last approximately 10-20 billion years, providing 5x1023 units of energy per day (horsepower). This is approximately 8000 trillion times more than is needed to power the average home; however, it is still prudent to insulate your home thoroughly.

WARNING: If at any time the unit expands to several hundred times its normal circumference and turns red, leave your house immediately and contact a qualified repair service.

Overheard in the Lobby

New Federal Reserve plan to relieve debt market apparently consists of just printing money non-stop.

Fashion through the ages

It's 1679! What are we wearing?

• Pantaloons
  
• Brodequins
  
• Furbelows
  
• Buff jerkins
  
• Kirtles
  
• Farthingales
  
• Codpieces
  
• Gaiters
  
• Snoods
  
• Bombast
  

Overheard in the Lobby

Counting of caucus delegates delayed as Texas Democrats run out of fingers.

Ill-conceived company taglines

From the Icebox:

• Helper Monkeys on Call
  
• We Put the "P" in Special
  
• Lookey Here!
  
• Come On, We're Not the Worst
  
• Innovations in Carnival Barking
  
• Cholera-Free for Three Weeks . . . and Counting!
  
• Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
  
• Carpal Tunnel Splendid!
  
• Sure We Care
  
• Mmmm . . . Kelp!
  
• Buy, Dammit, Buy!
  
• The New Strategic Paradigm
  
• We Deliver When We Can
  
• Submission Now
  

Overheard in the Lobby

President Bush spends quiet weekend in Crawford after an exhausting February 29 schedule. His guest, prime minister Rasmussen of Denmark, tells the press, "He said there are a lot of clocks in the White House, and setting them all forward one hour takes a really long time."