From the Icebox

Are you ready to vote in the primaries? Brush up on your e-voting skills with Toad a la Mode's

Guide to Using the New Electronic Voting Machines.

Your voting precinct is leading the way to better, faster, more reliable election results with the installation of the new VoteTech 3000 electronic voting machines. Using the machines is fast, simple, and results in hardly any loss of neural capacity or damage to long-term memory due to microwave leakage. Here's all you have to do:

• When you arrive to vote, a poll worker will check your identification (all you need is a driver's license or other state-issued ID), your height, weight, skin color, and whether or not you speak with an accent. As long as you are courteous and make no sudden moves, the poll worker will give you a Voter Access Card.


• Insert your Voter Access Card into the voting machine. You should hear a click.


• The ballot will be displayed. Use the dial on the machine to select your choice of candidates.


• If you change your mind, press "BACK" to return to an earlier section of the ballot.


• If the machine will not return to an earlier portion of the ballot, do not antagonize it. The machine is feeling vulnerable right now.


• Press "SUMMARY" when you are finished voting.


• Offices that have not been voted will appear in RED. You can return to those sections of the ballot and cast your vote.


• Votes cast for candidates that the machine deems ideologically inappropriate will appear in GREEN. You have sixty seconds to return to those sections of the ballot and correct your choices. If you fail to do so, the machine will immediately send your name and address to the Office of the Attorney General.


• Press "DONE" to cast your vote.


• The VoteTech machine automatically records your vote, along with personal information from your ID card, and cross-indexes this with your credit history, employment record, FBI files, and other sources. Votes cast by convicted felons and people earning less than $80,000 annually will be deleted.


• The machine will return your Voter Access Card. The coupon on the back of the card is good for a free soft-serve sundae at McDonalds, the government's token of appreciation for your good citizenship.


• Please remember that by the act of voting, you authorize VoteTech Industries, Inc., to record, alter, sell, re-distribute, and publicize all personal information related to your vote.

Thanks for voting, and have a great day!