. . . now that William F. Buckley, Jr., is dead:
usurpatory
educe
meretricious
heptarchy
aleatory
captious
chieftaincy
intendment
declivitous
latency
disambiguate
efficacity
invigilate
euphony
fictile
insuperable
decoct
belletristic
fomentation
garrulity
2/27/08
How is the Obama campaign planning to get out the vote in Texas next Tuesday?
1. Training precinct captains to rope, throw, and tie voters for easy delivery to polls.
2. Urging supporters to take shelter from impending Apache raid at precinct headquarters.
3. Offering free two-step lessons to anyone with an "I voted" sticker.
4. Spreading manure around polling locations to create a home-like atmosphere.
5. Waving guns at everyone.
6. Circulating photo of Hillary Clinton wearing cowboy boots with the pants tucked inside.
7. Offering every voter a chance to win a 500-acre dryland cotton farm.
8. Deputizing volunteers and forming "Democracy Posses."
9. Free Pearl Beer balloons for the kids.
10. Spreading rumor that Obama once got high with Willie Nelson.
.
2. Urging supporters to take shelter from impending Apache raid at precinct headquarters.
3. Offering free two-step lessons to anyone with an "I voted" sticker.
4. Spreading manure around polling locations to create a home-like atmosphere.
5. Waving guns at everyone.
6. Circulating photo of Hillary Clinton wearing cowboy boots with the pants tucked inside.
7. Offering every voter a chance to win a 500-acre dryland cotton farm.
8. Deputizing volunteers and forming "Democracy Posses."
9. Free Pearl Beer balloons for the kids.
10. Spreading rumor that Obama once got high with Willie Nelson.
.
2/26/08
Overheard in the Lobby
Perennial candidate Ralph Nader announces bid for the presidency, though he is currently outpolled by Ron Paul, Lyndon LaRouche, and a dead hermit crab.
2/22/08
The Paleolithic Diet February e-Newsletter
Happy February, Paleo-eaters! Welcome to another month of eating and thriving on the world’s oldest natural diet—the same one followed by Early Man at his wildest, freest, and healthiest!
As we bid farewell to January's bounty of nuts and hibernating rodents, the vitamin-rich roots and shoots of spring lie just beyond March’s horizon. In the meantime, February holds its own rewards. Chief among these is the 60% of total body weight you are about to lose! No other diet in today’s "modern" world can promise the spectacular slimming effect you will experience this month on the all-natural Paleolithic Diet. So on those February mornings when you have trouble lifting your head or balancing, remember: by May you’ll have a body that runway models would kill for—at a fraction of the cost, and entirely drug-free!
It's true that this month’s diet of dried grass and bark may seem austere. But February's simplicity is the natural corrective to the eat-all-you-want-of-anything-you-can-find regimen we enjoyed from August through November. You'll come to fully appreciate this wonderful balance after you have been on the Diet for two or three years, provided you avoid renal failure, cardiac arrest, and acute endocrinal malfunction.
Meanwhile, enjoy this chance to re-attune your body to the organic, natural eating cycles of Prehistoric Man. Remember too that early humans who remained plump in February were apt to provoke regrettable outbursts of cannibalism in their communities. Be inspired!
Inside the Newsletter this Month:
Health and Fitness
- February Check-up: Coping with Scurvy
- February Paleo-workout: Running from Cave Bears
Recipes and Entertaining
- Nine Varieties of Bark and the Perfect Wines to Think About While Chewing Them
- Savoring the So-Called "Poisonous" Lichens
Fashion and Beauty
- Hairstyles for Mid-Winter Baldness
- Sunglasses: Look Stylish AND Decrease Blinding Eye Pains
On the Paleo-Web Forums: Share your funniest starvation-induced hallucination
As we bid farewell to January's bounty of nuts and hibernating rodents, the vitamin-rich roots and shoots of spring lie just beyond March’s horizon. In the meantime, February holds its own rewards. Chief among these is the 60% of total body weight you are about to lose! No other diet in today’s "modern" world can promise the spectacular slimming effect you will experience this month on the all-natural Paleolithic Diet. So on those February mornings when you have trouble lifting your head or balancing, remember: by May you’ll have a body that runway models would kill for—at a fraction of the cost, and entirely drug-free!
It's true that this month’s diet of dried grass and bark may seem austere. But February's simplicity is the natural corrective to the eat-all-you-want-of-anything-you-can-find regimen we enjoyed from August through November. You'll come to fully appreciate this wonderful balance after you have been on the Diet for two or three years, provided you avoid renal failure, cardiac arrest, and acute endocrinal malfunction.
Meanwhile, enjoy this chance to re-attune your body to the organic, natural eating cycles of Prehistoric Man. Remember too that early humans who remained plump in February were apt to provoke regrettable outbursts of cannibalism in their communities. Be inspired!
Inside the Newsletter this Month:
Health and Fitness
- February Check-up: Coping with Scurvy
- February Paleo-workout: Running from Cave Bears
Recipes and Entertaining
- Nine Varieties of Bark and the Perfect Wines to Think About While Chewing Them
- Savoring the So-Called "Poisonous" Lichens
Fashion and Beauty
- Hairstyles for Mid-Winter Baldness
- Sunglasses: Look Stylish AND Decrease Blinding Eye Pains
On the Paleo-Web Forums: Share your funniest starvation-induced hallucination
2/21/08
An email message from your boss
Dear Employee:
As a result of our right-sizing initiative, your position has been terminated, effective immediately. As a long-time member of our team, we think you'll agree that eliminating your salary is the easiest way to achieve the short-term profits our shareholders demand.
We know that this is a difficult time for you, and we want to help. A security guard will arrive at your desk within 2 minutes to assist you in packing your personal belongings. He will helpfully inspect your bags to ensure that you have not mistakenly taken any company property or any documents that might enable you to demonstrate your work to potential employers.
You will understandably be concerned about how you'll survive financially. We want you to know that the Department of Employment Security has an office on the far west side (in that area with all the billboards in a foreign language) where you can register for unemployment benefits. In addition, you'll have the opportunity to jump onto trucks that regularly stop there looking for day-workers to pick crops.
You will also be eligible for health insurance under COBRA for $400 a month, which will be about half of your monthly unemployment benefits.
Please know that we will not forget you. In fact, we will regularly question your competence and blame you for every problem for at least the next 6 months. We will blithely ignore relevant facts, along with any conversations you had or notes you left, as we make you our company scapegoat.
Finally, please understand that your right-sizing is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection of our need to show immediate profits while maintaining the high salaries and other perqs enjoyed by our company officers.
The security guard should now be at your desk. Resistance is futile.
As a result of our right-sizing initiative, your position has been terminated, effective immediately. As a long-time member of our team, we think you'll agree that eliminating your salary is the easiest way to achieve the short-term profits our shareholders demand.
We know that this is a difficult time for you, and we want to help. A security guard will arrive at your desk within 2 minutes to assist you in packing your personal belongings. He will helpfully inspect your bags to ensure that you have not mistakenly taken any company property or any documents that might enable you to demonstrate your work to potential employers.
You will understandably be concerned about how you'll survive financially. We want you to know that the Department of Employment Security has an office on the far west side (in that area with all the billboards in a foreign language) where you can register for unemployment benefits. In addition, you'll have the opportunity to jump onto trucks that regularly stop there looking for day-workers to pick crops.
You will also be eligible for health insurance under COBRA for $400 a month, which will be about half of your monthly unemployment benefits.
Please know that we will not forget you. In fact, we will regularly question your competence and blame you for every problem for at least the next 6 months. We will blithely ignore relevant facts, along with any conversations you had or notes you left, as we make you our company scapegoat.
Finally, please understand that your right-sizing is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection of our need to show immediate profits while maintaining the high salaries and other perqs enjoyed by our company officers.
The security guard should now be at your desk. Resistance is futile.
2/20/08
Overheard in the Lobby
Sold out Texas Democratic presidential debate marks first time since 1882 that "sold out" and "debate" have been used in the same sentence.
2/19/08
From the Icebox
Say, whatever happened to Samoans? And other
Discontinued Girl Scout Cookie Varieties
Since 1917, plucky Girl Scouts across the country and around the world have been financing their campfire sing-alongs with cookie sales. But tastes change with the times and, inevitably, some past favorites must be dropped from the sales lineup. Such as:
Discontinued Girl Scout Cookie Varieties
Since 1917, plucky Girl Scouts across the country and around the world have been financing their campfire sing-alongs with cookie sales. But tastes change with the times and, inevitably, some past favorites must be dropped from the sales lineup. Such as:
- Licorice Jumbles
- Hun Killers
- Cod Liver Crispies
- Glacéd Fruitcake-ettes
- Lard-Os
- All-American Vanilla W.A.S.P Wafers
- Fallout Balls
- Yam-wich Creams
- Asbestos Chippers
- Granola Wads
- Caramel Fudge Tooth-Twisters
- Fat-Free Gut-Buster Bars with Olestra®
2/18/08
Overheard in the Lobby
USDA fondly recalls 143 million pounds of suspect beef. "Yes, it came from sick and diseased cattle, and it was all eaten by second graders a year or two ago," concedes one official, "but ah, the memories!"
2/17/08
From the Icebox
Are you ready to vote in the primaries? Brush up on your e-voting skills with Toad a la Mode's
Guide to Using the New Electronic Voting Machines.
Your voting precinct is leading the way to better, faster, more reliable election results with the installation of the new VoteTech 3000 electronic voting machines. Using the machines is fast, simple, and results in hardly any loss of neural capacity or damage to long-term memory due to microwave leakage. Here's all you have to do:
Thanks for voting, and have a great day!
Guide to Using the New Electronic Voting Machines.
Your voting precinct is leading the way to better, faster, more reliable election results with the installation of the new VoteTech 3000 electronic voting machines. Using the machines is fast, simple, and results in hardly any loss of neural capacity or damage to long-term memory due to microwave leakage. Here's all you have to do:
- When you arrive to vote, a poll worker will check your identification (all you need is a driver's license or other state-issued ID), your height, weight, skin color, and whether or not you speak with an accent. As long as you are courteous and make no sudden moves, the poll worker will give you a Voter Access Card.
- Insert your Voter Access Card into the voting machine. You should hear a click.
- The ballot will be displayed. Use the dial on the machine to select your choice of candidates.
- If you change your mind, press "BACK" to return to an earlier section of the ballot.
- If the machine will not return to an earlier portion of the ballot, do not antagonize it. The machine is feeling vulnerable right now.
- Press "SUMMARY" when you are finished voting.
- Offices that have not been voted will appear in RED. You can return to those sections of the ballot and cast your vote.
- Votes cast for candidates that the machine deems ideologically inappropriate will appear in GREEN. You have sixty seconds to return to those sections of the ballot and correct your choices. If you fail to do so, the machine will immediately send your name and address to the Office of the Attorney General.
- Press "DONE" to cast your vote.
- The VoteTech machine automatically records your vote, along with personal information from your ID card, and cross-indexes this with your credit history, employment record, FBI files, and other sources. Votes cast by convicted felons and people earning less than $80,000 annually will be deleted.
- The machine will return your Voter Access Card. The coupon on the back of the card is good for a free soft-serve sundae at McDonalds, the government's token of appreciation for your good citizenship.
- Please remember that by the act of voting, you authorize VoteTech Industries, Inc., to record, alter, sell, re-distribute, and publicize all personal information related to your vote.
Thanks for voting, and have a great day!
Of course, we begin with pie
The Toad a la Mode Institute for Research on Vague Similarities Presents
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