Toad a la Mode

Hey we're back in business!

2009-01-16T20:54:00.002-06:00

Having finally managed to bribe the right health inspectors, we are proud to announce the re-opening of our flagship location!

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-05-07T07:46:00.002-05:00

After losing decisively in North Carolina, winning marginally in Indiana, and falling further behind in the delegate count, Hillary Clinton declares, "On to the White House!"; argues that voters really want a delusional, mathematically-challenged president.

Forthcoming titles in the Dragonriders of Pern series

2008-04-23T07:01:00.002-05:00

Actuaries of Pern
Sex Workers of Pern
The Drainage Basins of Pern
Stochastic Grammars of Pern
Bicycle Messengers of Pern
The Suburbs of Pern
Zombie Nightmare on Pern
Thread! The Musical

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-04-23T07:00:00.001-05:00

Democratic primary goes into triple overtime.

Chinese Snack Food Zodiac

2008-04-18T10:16:00.002-05:00

A Golden Oldie from the Icebox:

Cola - Some people can fake a bubbly personality, but yours is the real thing. Don't keep your feelings all bottled up--you are prone to explosive outbursts when agitated. Your ideal career: Public relations. Marry a Fried Fruit Pie or Bubblegum, but never an Oreo.
Born in 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008.

Twinkie - You contain hidden reserves and always spring back in the face of adversity. Others admire your sunny appearance and timeless qualities. Your ideal career: Teacher. Marry a Gummi or M&M, but never Bridge Mix.
Born in 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009.

Corn Nut - Sociable but hard-bitten, you like your life a little spicy and your talk a little salty. You can usually be found in a group of others like yourself. You inspire others to wit, hilarity, and great thirst. Your ideal career: Boxing promoter. Marry an Oreo or Ding-Dong, but never a Donut.
Born in 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010.

Fried Fruit Pie - Some may accuse you of being flaky, but they are merely jealous of your sweet nature. You don't have just one tender side--you are tender all over. Avoid high-stress jobs, as you are apt to crumble under pressure. Your ideal job: Graphic Blandisher. Marry Bridge Mix or Cola, but never a Cheese Puff.
Born in 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011.

Gummi - "Resilient" and "colorful" are the two words that best describe you. You seem simple, but your true nature is a profound mystery. Break free of your tendency to stick close to others like you--strike out on your own more. Your ideal job: Genetic counselor. Marry a Donut or Twinkie, but never Bubblegum.
Born in 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000.

Oreo - You have a rough exterior, but inside you are a real softy. The deep affection of your friends often leaves you feeling pulled in two directions. Your ideal job: Forensic accountant. Marry a Cheese Puff or Corn Nut, but never an M&M.
Born in 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001.

Bridge Mix - You are an old standby--reliable and comforting. People don't necessarily seek you out, but you are always welcome at parties. Your one weakness is a tendency to try to be all things to all people. Your ideal job: Politician. Marry Bubblegum or a Fried Fruit Pie, but never a Ding-Dong.
Born in 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954,1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014.

Donut - What others may see as an empty space, you surround with positivity. Be mindful of your difficulty with decisions and fight your inclination to go around in circles. Face adversity with a sprinkle of good cheer, and soon all your troubles will be dunked. Your ideal job: Corrections officer. Marry an M&M or a Gummi, but never a Twinkie.
Born in 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015.

Cheese Puff - Your presence lingers long after you have gone, and some people may feel overwhelmed by your vivid personality. Any gossip among your friends is sure to bear your fingerprints. Your ideal job: Taker of Souls and Destroyer of Dreams. Marry a Ding-Dong or an Oreo, but never a Corn Nut.
Born in 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016.

Bubblegum - You have an expansive personality but are easily deflated. However, everyone admires your flexibility and resilience. Resist your tendency toward clinginess. Your ideal job: Actuary. Marry a Twinkie or Bridge Mix, but never a Fried Fruit Pie.
Born in 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017.

M&M - Bright and extroverted, you struggle between a desire to conform and an urge to stand out. But when the heat is on, your true colors are evident to all. Your ideal job: Clown or celebrity impersonator. Marry a Corn Nut or Donut, but never a Gummi.
Born in 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018.

Ding-Dong - Reliable, solid, perhaps a bit dense--you may not promise much at first glance, but those who get to know you are rewarded. Don't be afraid to come out of your shell sometimes. Your ideal job: Treasury Secretary. Marry a Fried Fruit Pie or Cheese Puff, but never an Oreo.
Born in 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019.

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-04-16T07:35:00.002-05:00

Celebrating his 81st birthday at White House, Pope Benedict explains to President Bush that, though it would be fun, it would be improper to use his crozier to break open a pinata.

How do we know it's time for spring cleaning?

2008-04-07T08:33:00.001-05:00

From the Icebox:

(click image to enlarge)

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Nutrition through the ages

2008-03-31T07:02:00.001-05:00

It's 1953! What's for lunch in the school cafeteria?

Creamed spinach
Creamed chipped beef
Creamed toast
Chocolate cake
Radioactive milk

Lies men tell

2008-03-27T07:46:00.001-05:00

From the Icebox:

That's never happened to me before.
She's like a sister to me.
Honestly, I feel completely comfortable around homosexuals.
Yes, I wrote it down.
No, I won't forget.
I would have been there, but an old friend stopped in (the car wouldn't start/my mother called/aliens abducted me).
That's the best-looking outfit you've tried on so far.
My roomate's girlfriend must have left it here.
You've gained weight? I didn't even notice.
I'm not sensitive about my bald spot. I just like hats.
I only buy it for the articles.

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-03-24T14:32:00.001-05:00

Bear Stearns shareholders demands higher sales price after discovering stamp collection under bed.

Best places to search for Easter eggs

2008-03-20T07:20:00.001-05:00

From the Icebox—The Best Places to Search for Easter Eggs:

In Mommy's medicine cabinet.

Inside that box of magazines that the neighbor's gardener keeps hidden in the shed.

In the third vial from the left in Room 231 of the CDC's downtown testing facility.

Under a chicken.

'Neath the tree with the thrice-forked branch where the goblins keep all the children whose parents don't want them anymore.

In Daddy's gun rack.

In the display case with Aunt Luba's antique Ukranian egg collection. (Have fun finding out which eggs have your chocolate inside!)

Under Boo Radley's porch.

Under the pillow in Grandma's casket.

Care and maintenance of your new Slither-Tech (TM) snakepit

2008-03-20T07:01:00.000-05:00

Congratulations! With your purchase of a Slither-Tech (TM) product, you have joined the ranks of satisfied backyard pit-masters everywhere. Model 3673, “The Death Hole,” is guaranteed to resist cracking, staining, and collapse for up to five years, provided you maintain it properly. With regular cleaning and maintenance, your new snakepit will enhance your backyard and provide lasting enjoyment for the whole family.

Stocking and Maintaining the Pit
Your pit will be stocked during installation by qualified Slither-Technicians. Stock levels are carefully calibrated to be self-sustaining; you should not need to either add or remove snakes from your pit. Food should be introduced to the pit every two weeks in the summer, and once monthly during the winter. If your pit's snake population fluctuates widely, you are probably either under- or over-feeding. Ask your neighbors if they are missing any cats or small children.

Cleaning and Repairing the Pit
Your Slither-Tech snakepit should only be cleaned by a fully-trained and certified Slither-Technician. In the event of pit malfunction, please contact your nearest authorized Slither-Tech service provider. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REPAIR THE PIT YOURSELF. It contains no user-serviceable parts.

Foreign Objects in Pit
Once installed, your Slither-Tech 3600 series snakepit is a finely-balanced, fully-functioning ecosystem. Do not throw captured secret agents, neighborhood bullies, or other foreign objects into the pit. Doing so may void your warranty. Foreign objects may be indicated by either excessive noise (screaming, barking) or a foul odor.

Decorative rocks and plants my be added around the pit rim; see the catalog for ordering information

We offer the following genuine Slither-Tech accessories for purchase via mail order:

Pointy stick
8'--$19.99
10'--$29.99
15' - $39.99

Anti-venom kits*
3600A (Cobra)--$849.99
3600B (North American Pit Viper) $632.99
3600X (Black Mamba) - $969.99
3600S (Southern Hemisphere Vibrant Color Mix) - $1243.99
*Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-03-19T07:02:00.001-05:00

Dalai Lama threatens to quit over Tibet protests; Pope considers sympathy strike.

Lesser-known miracles of St. Patrick

2008-03-16T11:30:00.000-05:00

Drove ice weasels out of Norway.
Always had exact change.
Made the lame to walk, or at least roll downhill while he kicked them.
Transcribed lyrics to Louie, Louie.
Turned water into whisky and water.
Survived 37 separate leprechaun attacks.
Made this one face that always totally cracked everyone up.
Smelled like graham crackers.
Explained tripartite god with a straight face.
Could juggle.

Who Are Clients 1-8?

2008-03-13T12:34:00.004-05:00

The naming of ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer as "Client 9" in a prostitution ring bust has left news junkies puzzling over the identity of the remaining, unnamed clients. Who are the most likely suspects?

Click chart to enlarge

DIY Forum: Installing your new home solar heating system

2008-03-12T11:31:00.003-05:00

A Toad a la Mode Home Improvement Guide, from the Icebox:

Step One: Procure slightly more than 1 (one) solar mass hydrogen (approximately 2.2x1027 tons) (important safety note: DO NOT exceed 50 solar masses, as a Type I Supernova could result).

Step Two: Wait for gravity to compress the gas to an appropriate density for atomic fusion. This may take several million years, so have a back-up heating system in place meanwhile. We suggest a wood-burning stove. (You will also need to revert to this system on cloudy days, so don't dismantle it once your solar heating unit is up and running.)

NOTE: When fusion ignition occurs, you solar heating unit will begin off-gassing approximately 5-25% of its mass in gas and particulate matter over a 10-million-year period. Work in a well-ventilated area, and always wear a face mask.

Step Three: When quiescent thermonuclear fusion of your solar heating device has been achieved (core temperature of 20 million degrees Absolute), be sure to place the unit at least 8 light-minutes (93,000,000 miles, or 1 a.u.) from your home, to avoid overheating.

Your home solar heating unit should last approximately 10-20 billion years, providing 5x1023 units of energy per day (horsepower). This is approximately 8000 trillion times more than is needed to power the average home; however, it is still prudent to insulate your home thoroughly.

WARNING: If at any time the unit expands to several hundred times its normal circumference and turns red, leave your house immediately and contact a qualified repair service.

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-03-11T13:31:00.002-05:00

New Federal Reserve plan to relieve debt market apparently consists of just printing money non-stop.

Fashion through the ages

2008-03-08T08:23:00.003-06:00

It's 1679! What are we wearing?

Pantaloons
Brodequins
Furbelows
Buff jerkins
Kirtles
Farthingales
Codpieces
Gaiters
Snoods
Bombast

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-03-05T18:23:00.001-06:00

Counting of caucus delegates delayed as Texas Democrats run out of fingers.

Ill-conceived company taglines

2008-03-04T12:57:00.002-06:00

From the Icebox:

Helper Monkeys on Call
We Put the "P" in Special
Lookey Here!
Come On, We're Not the Worst
Innovations in Carnival Barking
Cholera-Free for Three Weeks . . . and Counting!
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
Carpal Tunnel Splendid!
Sure We Care
Mmmm . . . Kelp!
Buy, Dammit, Buy!
The New Strategic Paradigm
We Deliver When We Can
Submission Now

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-03-02T17:51:00.002-06:00

President Bush spends quiet weekend in Crawford after an exhausting February 29 schedule. His guest, prime minister Rasmussen of Denmark, tells the press, "He said there are a lot of clocks in the White House, and setting them all forward one hour takes a really long time."

Words we probably won't hear much anymore

2008-02-29T07:30:00.000-06:00

. . . now that William F. Buckley, Jr., is dead:

usurpatory
educe
meretricious
heptarchy
aleatory
captious
chieftaincy
intendment
declivitous
latency
disambiguate
efficacity
invigilate
euphony
fictile
insuperable
decoct
belletristic
fomentation
garrulity

How is the Obama campaign planning to get out the vote in Texas next Tuesday?

2008-02-27T18:13:00.001-06:00

1. Training precinct captains to rope, throw, and tie voters for easy delivery to polls.

2. Urging supporters to take shelter from impending Apache raid at precinct headquarters.

3. Offering free two-step lessons to anyone with an "I voted" sticker.

4. Spreading manure around polling locations to create a home-like atmosphere.

5. Waving guns at everyone.

6. Circulating photo of Hillary Clinton wearing cowboy boots with the pants tucked inside.

7. Offering every voter a chance to win a 500-acre dryland cotton farm.

8. Deputizing volunteers and forming "Democracy Posses."

9. Free Pearl Beer balloons for the kids.

10. Spreading rumor that Obama once got high with Willie Nelson.
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Relative distribution of brain activity in pigeons

2008-02-27T09:52:00.004-06:00

From the Icebox:

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-02-26T06:46:00.002-06:00

Perennial candidate Ralph Nader announces bid for the presidency, though he is currently outpolled by Ron Paul, Lyndon LaRouche, and a dead hermit crab.

The Paleolithic Diet February e-Newsletter

2008-02-22T07:14:00.000-06:00

Happy February, Paleo-eaters! Welcome to another month of eating and thriving on the world’s oldest natural diet—the same one followed by Early Man at his wildest, freest, and healthiest!

As we bid farewell to January's bounty of nuts and hibernating rodents, the vitamin-rich roots and shoots of spring lie just beyond March’s horizon. In the meantime, February holds its own rewards. Chief among these is the 60% of total body weight you are about to lose! No other diet in today’s "modern" world can promise the spectacular slimming effect you will experience this month on the all-natural Paleolithic Diet. So on those February mornings when you have trouble lifting your head or balancing, remember: by May you’ll have a body that runway models would kill for—at a fraction of the cost, and entirely drug-free!

It's true that this month’s diet of dried grass and bark may seem austere. But February's simplicity is the natural corrective to the eat-all-you-want-of-anything-you-can-find regimen we enjoyed from August through November. You'll come to fully appreciate this wonderful balance after you have been on the Diet for two or three years, provided you avoid renal failure, cardiac arrest, and acute endocrinal malfunction.

Meanwhile, enjoy this chance to re-attune your body to the organic, natural eating cycles of Prehistoric Man. Remember too that early humans who remained plump in February were apt to provoke regrettable outbursts of cannibalism in their communities. Be inspired!

Inside the Newsletter this Month:

Health and Fitness
- February Check-up: Coping with Scurvy
- February Paleo-workout: Running from Cave Bears

Recipes and Entertaining
- Nine Varieties of Bark and the Perfect Wines to Think About While Chewing Them
- Savoring the So-Called "Poisonous" Lichens

Fashion and Beauty
- Hairstyles for Mid-Winter Baldness
- Sunglasses: Look Stylish AND Decrease Blinding Eye Pains

On the Paleo-Web Forums: Share your funniest starvation-induced hallucination

An email message from your boss

2008-02-21T17:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Employee:

As a result of our right-sizing initiative, your position has been terminated, effective immediately. As a long-time member of our team, we think you'll agree that eliminating your salary is the easiest way to achieve the short-term profits our shareholders demand.

We know that this is a difficult time for you, and we want to help. A security guard will arrive at your desk within 2 minutes to assist you in packing your personal belongings. He will helpfully inspect your bags to ensure that you have not mistakenly taken any company property or any documents that might enable you to demonstrate your work to potential employers.

You will understandably be concerned about how you'll survive financially. We want you to know that the Department of Employment Security has an office on the far west side (in that area with all the billboards in a foreign language) where you can register for unemployment benefits. In addition, you'll have the opportunity to jump onto trucks that regularly stop there looking for day-workers to pick crops.

You will also be eligible for health insurance under COBRA for $400 a month, which will be about half of your monthly unemployment benefits.

Please know that we will not forget you. In fact, we will regularly question your competence and blame you for every problem for at least the next 6 months. We will blithely ignore relevant facts, along with any conversations you had or notes you left, as we make you our company scapegoat.

Finally, please understand that your right-sizing is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection of our need to show immediate profits while maintaining the high salaries and other perqs enjoyed by our company officers.

The security guard should now be at your desk. Resistance is futile.

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-02-20T07:01:00.000-06:00

Sold out Texas Democratic presidential debate marks first time since 1882 that "sold out" and "debate" have been used in the same sentence.

From the Icebox

2008-02-19T07:09:00.000-06:00

Say, whatever happened to Samoans? And other

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookie Varieties

Since 1917, plucky Girl Scouts across the country and around the world have been financing their campfire sing-alongs with cookie sales. But tastes change with the times and, inevitably, some past favorites must be dropped from the sales lineup. Such as:

Licorice Jumbles
Hun Killers
Cod Liver Crispies
Glacéd Fruitcake-ettes
Lard-Os
All-American Vanilla W.A.S.P Wafers
Fallout Balls
Yam-wich Creams
Asbestos Chippers
Granola Wads
Caramel Fudge Tooth-Twisters
Fat-Free Gut-Buster Bars with Olestra®

Overheard in the Lobby

2008-02-18T07:26:00.000-06:00

USDA fondly recalls 143 million pounds of suspect beef. "Yes, it came from sick and diseased cattle, and it was all eaten by second graders a year or two ago," concedes one official, "but ah, the memories!"

From the Icebox

2008-02-17T09:20:00.003-06:00

Are you ready to vote in the primaries? Brush up on your e-voting skills with Toad a la Mode's

Guide to Using the New Electronic Voting Machines.

Your voting precinct is leading the way to better, faster, more reliable election results with the installation of the new VoteTech 3000 electronic voting machines. Using the machines is fast, simple, and results in hardly any loss of neural capacity or damage to long-term memory due to microwave leakage. Here's all you have to do:

When you arrive to vote, a poll worker will check your identification (all you need is a driver's license or other state-issued ID), your height, weight, skin color, and whether or not you speak with an accent. As long as you are courteous and make no sudden moves, the poll worker will give you a Voter Access Card.

Insert your Voter Access Card into the voting machine. You should hear a click.

The ballot will be displayed. Use the dial on the machine to select your choice of candidates.

If you change your mind, press "BACK" to return to an earlier section of the ballot.

If the machine will not return to an earlier portion of the ballot, do not antagonize it. The machine is feeling vulnerable right now.

Press "SUMMARY" when you are finished voting.

Offices that have not been voted will appear in RED. You can return to those sections of the ballot and cast your vote.

Votes cast for candidates that the machine deems ideologically inappropriate will appear in GREEN. You have sixty seconds to return to those sections of the ballot and correct your choices. If you fail to do so, the machine will immediately send your name and address to the Office of the Attorney General.

Press "DONE" to cast your vote.

The VoteTech machine automatically records your vote, along with personal information from your ID card, and cross-indexes this with your credit history, employment record, FBI files, and other sources. Votes cast by convicted felons and people earning less than $80,000 annually will be deleted.

The machine will return your Voter Access Card. The coupon on the back of the card is good for a free soft-serve sundae at McDonalds, the government's token of appreciation for your good citizenship.

Please remember that by the act of voting, you authorize VoteTech Industries, Inc., to record, alter, sell, re-distribute, and publicize all personal information related to your vote.

Thanks for voting, and have a great day!

Of course, we begin with pie

2008-02-17T09:18:00.004-06:00

The Toad a la Mode Institute for Research on Vague Similarities Presents